U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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