I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
