I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
