The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
