So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
