Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
vagina is talking i cant
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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