sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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