She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm always down for nudity.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
