Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
this hospital has no fireball
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
