Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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