It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Girls should come with a carfax report
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
