I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
