I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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