Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
