bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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