$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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