If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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