Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
