This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
