She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
