I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
