Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
