I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
