just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
