im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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