Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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