Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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