Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
