I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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