i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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