I met the friendliest cop last night
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
