Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
