If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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