I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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