your room smells of hookers.
And success
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
