I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
