I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
