I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Couch. On fire.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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