I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
