so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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