seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
