I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
