Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
