Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
