He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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