im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Randomize
