She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Terrible idea I love it
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
