I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
