1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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