so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
