I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
