I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
