this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
false alarm. still invincible.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
