jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
